


without saying goodbye (because she didn't have time)

by lilevans



Category: The End Of The Fucking World (TV), teotfw
Genre: Canon, F/M, Swearing, end of the fucking world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13409661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilevans/pseuds/lilevans
Summary: their last thoughts about life and how he didn't say goodbye.james and alyssa + "things i didn't understand until i met you."





	without saying goodbye (because she didn't have time)

**Author's Note:**

> title from we may be dead tomorrow by soko. i wrote this for a prompt on tumblr because i have a lot of feelings about this damn show. i hope you enjoy.

**_JAMES X ALYSSA + “THINGS I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND UNTIL I MET YOU.”_ **

* * *

 

You know it’s so fucked up. Running away. But by the time you realise, you truly _realise,_ it’s too late to turn back. She’s making you feel things, things you’ve hidden away from everyone, yourself most of all. You decide she’s the only person that’s ever really made you care. Her fucking stubborn nature, her naivety that somehow has pieces of wisdom beyond her years seeping through her cracks. You’ve both spent your lives pushing everyone else away. And maybe that’s why you can’t do it to each other.

 Your eyelashes bat fast against the wind, against the glaring sun you’re looking at, but you can’t stop running. You have to keep going. You feel the heaviness in your hands, you feel it taking over your entire body, you feel numb, cold, and you can’t hear her screaming.

 You smile, just briefly. Thinking back, to when you were really, truly numb, when you didn’t give a shit, where you wandered through life without purpose, true meaning. You know she’s your meaning now. The only meaning you need.

And all it took, all it really took, was the words “wanna run away with me?”

Maybe you didn’t know it straight away…maybe it took a major fuck up to realise it. You fucking killed someone because you were caught off guard by how much she meant to you. And you don’t even know if you can regret it if it means she’s safe now. Even if you have to face this guilt all your life, you think that you can handle it if it means Alyssa is safe. She’s been protecting you long enough.

You feel your body fill with lead. Every deed you’ve done wrong plays back through your head. The car, the body, the other car, the gas station, the body, the _murder…_ but then, just as fast, all of the shit that made it worth it too.

Making her smile. Driving with her beside you. Knowing she was right there. Sleeping with her pressed against you. You think that maybe this makes it okay. (You know it doesn’t. you know none of it makes anything okay. But you know that she made it worthwhile.)

The woods, the endless winding lanes, the song that was perfect, and then fucking grating. The pool, before it all went wrong. Her smile, before you realised just how deep you were.

You can see it now. The consequences you have to face. You know there are repercussions. You’ve been running for too fucking long. You have to let it go.

 You turn around, just briefly. She’s still there, still fighting, still screaming your name.

Once last look at her, and you understand. You’re eighteen and you _understand._  

* * *

 

She’s crying. She’s watching you run, struggling against the grip of the cop, she can’t let you do this, you did this _for her,_ together, and you can’t face this alone. She screams, louder and louder, she’s pushed down, again and again, but she doesn’t stop. She has to get to you. She has to stop you.

 _It’s all my fault._ She’s thinking. She suggested this. She kissed first. She picked you. She fucked up, all the mistakes are hers, she’s trying to tell you, and she won’t let you do it alone, _no._

She wants to go to the end of the world with you. She doesn’t care anymore. She just wants you and an open horizon, damn whatever else is out there. She doesn’t care what there really is to discover, but she cares that she discovers it with you.

She, too, understands the gravity of the situation. You’ve truly fucked up, badly, but what were you supposed to do? What else could you have done? She doesn’t know, but this time, she just doesn’t have the answers, no matter how much she wishes she does.

She can feel her body growing weary, deadened, unfeeling, as she continues to pull against their grip, watching you run. It’s like time has slowed, each step away you’re taking seems to take years, but she still feels every breath she takes being so sharp it’s stabbing her, every movement you make to run away hurting more and more.

It was all so easy at the beginning. Do whatever the fuck you want. Consequences don’t matter, life sucks, let’s run away from it. No questions. But the more and more you ran, the more and more she was faced with questions. Every turned. She decided the night on the beach that the only thing she was sure of was you. Even when you weren’t sure of you.

She’s crying, she doesn’t remember when she started doing that. She just wants to leave, she can’t face this. Not without you, all she wants right now is you.

She thinks she finally understands. She’s known it from the moment she met you, the fucked up nature of everything, she knew she could get attached, she just didn’t think she really would. Not like this, anyway.

But now, she’s watching you run, and she hears the single, piercing gunshot. And she understands.

  _What people mean to each other._


End file.
